How good is your mind reading?

How good is your mind reading?

Might be a useful skill in some walks of life, or on some days. Perhaps if you own non-communicative teenagers, you might desire the ability to get inside their heads and actually get some idea of what is going on in their lives. Maybe you are applying for a promotion at work, and reading your boss’s mind would circumvent a whole lot of anxiety. Or you would like a new friendship to blossom into romance, but are unsure of what the other person actually thinks of you. 

But then again, do we really want to go poking about in someone else’s head? It might be enlightening but it might also expose us to thoughts and truths that we would rather not know. 

The thing is, we subconsciously fall into the trap of mind reading far more often than we realise. 

How often have you made assumptions about what someone else is thinking about you?

Mind reading is a form of cognitive distortions. 

I started musing here a couple of months back about cognitive distortions. These are wrong ways of thinking that are often habitual and subconsious and – crucially – have a negative focus. You can read more on that here. Jumping to extreme conclusions, worst case scenario and very black and white thinking are examples of cognitive distortions. 

With mind reading, we assume the other person is thinking negatively about us. 

We mess up. 

We say something we think is stupid. And quickly our mind points out our perceived stupidity to us and brings to our attention that, of course, that person we were talking also now thinks we are stupid.

Or we wear something and catch a glance from someone looking at us, and assume they think we look awful/ugly/ridiculous. 

It is insidious, it is very prevalent, and it happens almost instantaneously in our minds. 

And of course the truth is that other person may be thinking no such thoughts. They might be thinking positive or neutral thoughts about us. Or, they may not be thinking about us at all, but what they are needing to do next. Perhaps even what is for lunch (that would be me) or they may be thinking, well, nothing. 

But we have chosen to assign to them negative thoughts about us, that often serve to reinforce our own negative beliefs about ourselves.

Herein lies the danger and the potentially destructive power of our own minds. 

Being able to get inside someone else’s skin and seek to understand them is different. This is empathy, and this is a real skill. The difference is the outcome. Empathy generally builds connection and fosters good communication. Mind reading, where we assume the other person is thinking the worst of us, generally causes a separation, destroys trust and connection (because of what we assign to the other person in our head) and causes us to feel worse about ourselves. 

Connected to this is personalisation. 

Personalisation is another cognitive distortion

Ever blame yourself for something that is not your fault and outwith your control?

Or take things personally that actually have nothing to do with you? Here again we are jumping to conclusions based often on our emotions, without engaging our thinking brains to look at the objective evidence. 

I know that if I am tired, or feeling emotionally wobbly, or hungry, I am much more likely to distort my thinking with either mind reading or by assuming it is all about me.

It’s all my fault, I am responsible, ‘they’ are out to get me.”

is the tape in my head.

Being hungry, or worse, hangry, is a trigger to pay attention to prior to having a potentially difficult or emotionally charged conversation. Address the physical needs first, to give ourselves the best chance of remaining calm and objective and rational. More on that here. 

All this sounds exhausting does it not?

What we focus on, grows. 

I love this simple reminder. When we choose to focus on the negative, and what we believe the other person is thinking about us that is feeding that negativity without any evidence, we drag ourselves down. And that negative view of ourselves grows. But when we choose to focus on objective evidence rather than assumptions, we grow in confidence in our thinking. And when we choose to remind ourselves of what we are able to do and the skills and attributes that we do have, we are able to be open and curious and growth-oriented in our thinking. 

Questions to reflect on that can help here:

     What do I know to be true?

     What do people I know, like and trust say about me?

     What evidence do I have that says the opposite of this negative belief?

     Is this really about me? Or is this outwith my control? (more on that here.)

This is all food for thought, and as always, simply about raising awareness. So this week, choose to not slip into mind reading and instead be open minded and curious and give the other person – and yourself – the benefit of the doubt.